Glad there is only a single week left it this place, sick and tired of this place. Seriously, I guess. I have no other way of phrasing this… it’s just painful. I simply don’t get how the jokes always turns into depression, one way or another. I mean, I know that I am lonely, all along. There had been enough problems / knobs along the way that I have to solve. I am confused, is it me where the problem is? Or the problem IS myself. I think I might know the answer now. I might not turns out shocking, as it is been in my forehead for quite a while by now. I am well aware, and I believe most human beings are well aware of who they are, and those surrounding them. The way of showing off by joking on other’s weaknesses is not the right way of making a joke, or asking for applause. But you know what, there’s only one week left for me to bare this s**t, so, it’s probably the least of my problem.
On to something else, well, my personal relationship problems. Well, these problems had been existing for quite a while by now. I really had no option, nor ideas on how to exit this state. I am just lonely, I guess, if nothing else. I need someone to occupy my time, i know doing something might work as well. But I am overloaded, already, while still have free time to think emotionally. I see how that is a twisted mindset, but I don’t know how to get out of it. It is certainly tiring, and is exhausting me. I think it might help me make progress in my passions, but I rather have a enjoyable life. This is way to tiring, I do realize that the life I want it not one that is centered around work alone. That’s not life, I now decided. Every single one of my attempts to find such a person has failed. I don’t see hope now, both in this goal, and my life in general. I might be able to achieve something in whatever field that is, but that’s not what I wanted for all of my life. Being workaholic is not my goal, and perhaps(most likely) will never be. I will keep trying, but now I really don’t know where to start thou. I tried, and failed again. Just yesterday. It’s sad, I suppose.
I sincerely admire, if that’s the right word for it, those who can find their loved one, at any age really, and knows how to handle relationships. Not like me, filled with bad luck and basically without social skills of any kind. It’s my fault, it must be, there is no other way of explaining this. Both the bad luck, and the lack of social skills. I can’t blame this on anyone, because it is me.
I sincerely don’t want to blame this on anyone other than myself. I know that I am such a f**king failure, can’t get anything straight. I lost my companion, one after another. I don’t get it. What exactly am I doing wrong? I am trying my best to be nice and have a good / healthy relationship, but nonetheless it fails regardless of condition. People way worse than me gets to have a relationship, may be not healthy as the way I wanted, but at least they all have somewhere to start. I am just out there, in the bottom of the social stack. Knows nothing, and does nothing right. Well, that’s me, if you had to know.
So, I guess, Wish everyone good luck in life. (And yes, don’t be like me. I am the worse of human kind. (From a social-darwinists perspective: the kind to be eliminated by nature.))
Codetector, on May 20, 2018.